Nineteen Minutes

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness,
and the feeling of being unloved.”

       When you don’t fit in, you become super human. You can hear a whisper about you from a mile away. You can disappear, even when it looks like you’re still standing right there. You can scream and nobody hears a sound. You are the thing that used to be normal, but that was so long ago, you can’t even remember what it was like. You can feel people staring; it’s like heat that rises from the pavement during summer, like a poker in the small of your back. You don’t have to hear a whisper, either, to know that it’s all about you.

       I used to stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom to see what they were staring at. I wanted to know what made their heads turn, what it was about me that was so incredibly different. At first I couldn't tell. I mean, I was just me. Then one day, when I looked in the mirror, I understood. I looked into my own eyes and I hated myself maybe as much as all of them did. That was the day I started to believe they might be right. 

       Ask a random kid today if he or she wants to be popular and they’ll tell you no, even if the truth is they do. See, you can’t admit to wanting it because the truth makes you less cool. To be truly popular, it has to look like it’s something you are, when in reality, it’s what you make yourself. I wonder if anyone works any harder at anything than kids do at being popular. So how do you crack that inner sanctum? Well, here’s a catch: it’s not up to you. What’s important is what everyone else thinks of how you dress, what you eat, what music you listen to.

       I've always sort of wondered, though. If everyone else’s opinion is what matters, than do you really have one of your own? It would be one thing to be a loser if it meant no one paid attention to you, but in school, it means you’re actively sought out. There’s a word you lean in Social Studies: schadenfreude  It’s when you enjoy watching someone else suffer. The real question though, is why? I think part of it is just self-preservation. And part of it is because a group always feels more like a group when it’s banded together against an enemy. It doesn't matter if that enemy has never done anything to hurt you-you just have to pretend you hate someone even more than you hate yourself. You become lonely.

       Being alone is the worst place to be. Loneliness can overcome you at any time. One day your positive and everything in life seems to be perfectly fine. Then all of a sudden, that wave crashes over you and you are lost.



       Everyone enters this state of depression at least once in your life. I mean, you can’t be happy 24/7. Can you? For me it was for about 4 years. Depression is the worst thing ever. You don’t do anything. You become lifeless, but it's true loneliness that makes you feel sad. You feel like nobody likes you, like nobody loves you anymore. And all you want to do is cry.


       Well it’s not true. People love you out there. People truly care about you, but they just haven’t shown it yet. That is their biggest mistake in life. We are afraid to tell people how we really feel. We are afraid to care for others because we think that we will let them down. That whatever we say to them will be spread out to everyone like a virus and they will judge us for our secrets. What’s the problem with telling a friend that you are here for them? That if they have a problem or just need to talk that you are here to talk, to be supportive? Why is that so hard? All we need is one friend. That’s it. All we need to do is be there and not distant from them. 

       Don’t judge yourself or anyone else. Nobody knows what you are going through except you. All we can hope for is that someone can at least relate to the problem you are going through and give you advice. To hug you and tell you everything will be all right; to grab a coffee with you and just hang out; to talk to you when you don’t feel like talking.

       All you need is that one person to be able to talk to. The person that would always ask you how you are feeling, how was your day or week. The person that you know you can call at any time of the day or the night and say what you need to say without them judging you. I used to have that friend. She’s gone now. But even with her gone I still can talk to her just because we live far away from each other. And I know I have people around me that care and love me. I know I can call them whenever and they will be by my side at any second.

       If you are going through a hard time in life, pick up the phone right now and call your friend. Call that person who you know you can say anything to and who won’t judge you or talk bad about you and tell them what’s happening to you. Don’t waste this opportunity to build a closer relationship with your friend. Let them help you. Don’t waste it, embrace it.

      Just breathe, be brave, and call…what is the worst that can happen? Remember, a real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out on you. Who will be there for you when he’d rather be somewhere else.

My question is: Do we ever really know someone?

 And who, if anyone, has the right to judge someone else?