How I Feel Right Now

       Usually I do a post every day but to be honest i'm damn moody right now and feeling so bad about myself that I had to just write this today....So right now I'm technically not doing anything. I recently left school for personal reasons and right now I'm looking for a new one. I have some choices but I've narrowed it down to mainly 2 but honestly, it's really hard. I have so much pressure on my shoulders like I've always had and I thought by now it would go away but it hasn't. For me, I feel like i'm the failure in life. I've failed my family, my friends, everyone. I've always felt it but now I do every second of the day and makes me feel like hell. I apparently can't do anything right and yet I have to be reminded that by everyone around me.
      
       Why am I treated different? Why am I treated different than my family members, than my friends, than others? Amazing how when one person does something wrong, nobody says anything. They just say: “Oh it’s no problem, you did your best. Maybe next time.” And when I do the same thing, it’s my fault. It’s because I didn't try my best. I had ‘better things to do’.

       This is the one thing that has always pissed me off. The one thing that really makes me feel unloved. My parents look at my friends or sister or whoever, and when something bad happens to them, or a friend treats them bad, or they fail an exam, they always say “It’s ok, don’t worry.” “Be nice to them, this just happened and they are upset.” And then when it happens to me, it’s my entire fault. I’m the only one to blame for my misfortune.

       People can be such hypocrites also. They do something and when we do it they yell at us. People who have never been to university or college or even finished high school, will yell at me for not studying enough or passing an exam or class when they themselves didn't even finish school! Are they crazy or something? Or must they always try to prove themselves right and act like they are the only mature people around.  One thing is for sure. It’s my life. I will do my best in everything I do. I will work to my fullest and try when it seems like I have no chance. If I fail then I fail. But it’s because I wasn't able to pass for some reason, not because I didn't try. And nobody can try to tell me otherwise, or else they are failing as parents, friends, teachers, mentors…etc. I will do my best.

       Have you ever made a mistake that you can’t undo? Or maybe you didn't do well in something and felt like you weren't worth it. Maybe you feel abandoned or left out, unloved, perhaps unwanted. I have and I still do as mentioned before. And sitting down all alone, well, that just won’t make anything better.

       When you’re little, you have everything in life. You have friends, family, fun. You enjoy being yourself and living. When you become a teenager, you have to start thinking for yourself. You learn what is important in life and who you want to become as a person. It’s the most difficult time of your life to be honest. You will go through obstacles and pain, but you will overcome it in time. I've tried as a person to become who I want in life. Lead my own life, and learn the things I love. Meet people who care for me as person. Stop letting people who do so little for you, control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions. People like that will only make you feel less than who you really are. That is when your walls come crashing down.

       Your walls come down the moment you feel like nothing. When all that you have worked for is thrown away and considered mediocre. You must realize that nothing you do is in vain. We all will make mistakes because we are human. With our mistakes we realize the difference between right and wrong. We realize that we are young, we haven’t grown old yet. Our life has just begun and we have years to grow and mature and learn to do well with our lives and grow to be who we are meant to be in life. 

       With all the mistakes I have made, yea I can say I regret some, but then others just helped me grow. It’s the people in my life who make my walls crash down, not my mistakes. I try my best in everything I do and I try to do by myself as a way to prove I can do anything I set my mind to. Sometimes I fail, but if I fail at something it’s not because I didn't try, it’s because I’m not good at everything. I’m good at certain things and others no just like anybody else. If people are going to criticize me for everything I do then why do I keep them in my life? Maybe it’s because I care too much, or by listening to the way they talk to me or about me is what helps me think and grow.

       I know who I am, we all know. Maybe not exactly at this very moment in my life or your life, but sooner or later we all figure out what’s our purpose. Don’t let anyone make you crumble or tell you that you are a failure. Nobody is a failure. Things happen that we cannot change or stop from happening. Everything happens for a reason, we just need to figure out what that reason is. To keep holding on is our greatest accomplishment in life. To forget the world and its insecurities and look forward to our future lives. Lives that are completely ours for the taking, and to control, and love. 

  Life is yours…take it.